Learning To Express

Dear June:

As your book suggests, I’m learning to be more vulnerable with my feelings in my relationship and express my true emotions to my partner (and also to my friends and family). I’ve been learning to be more honest with how I am feeling, too. Sometimes, though, I get the feeling that she doesn’t want to talk it out. Should I just keep sharing how I’m feeling and hope that through my sharing she will open up too? How do you think I could work on having more trust in myself? Do you think there is some way of possibly improving that?

Learning to Express More, Los Angeles

Dear Learning To Express More,

I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling more comfortable being vulnerable in the expression of your true feelings. This takes much more courage than holding on to those precious feelings and thoughts inside.

Learning to be honest with yourself is a key to healing whatever is inside of you that tells you that what you are feeling is somehow wrong, and therefore, it might be shameful or embarrassing to admit those true feelings. However, I believe that our true feelings, perspectives, preferences make us who we are, and that is what makes each one of us unique. You are enough and more with your unique heart.

Belief systems. What do you believe about yourself? What do you believe about being vulnerable? Shift your perspective and your belief systems, and you might come to believe that sharing all of who you are with those special people is an act of love, and makes you a stronger person, not a weaker person. Wearing your heart on your sleeve might then become your “armor” and new badge of honor. However, even if all the people in the world told you this—you must first believe it yourself. What do you believe?

The truth is that even if you expressed your truest of feelings, you might not get approval for expressing those true feelings, especially if the other person is afraid to admit his/her true feelings and/or is not in touch with their own feelings. You can’t expect her to react in a certain way however, if you are not also doing that same thing you want from her. The expression of true feelings must start somewhere.

“You go first!”

“No … you go first!”

Well, if no one goes first, there is an impasse and backlog of feelings that both persons are holding on to.  But if released, you can liberate each other with the “truth” of what each of you is truly feeling.

However, oftentimes, we are afraid to admit those true feelings, first to ourselves, and then, to another, based on fear of judgment.

You must truly believe that you are enough, with your unique expressions, feelings, thoughts, attitudes, belief systems. That is what makes you and your TruthLoveMeaningPurpose special. You must then express your unique perspectives, preferences, choices in your stuff, relationships, actions, words. Get to the root cause of your feelings, honor those feelings, and express “out loud” whether by journaling and getting it onto the page, or by sharing with another person. The more you express, the more it becomes easier to share yourself.

Is it true that your partner is not interested in hearing you? Or is this you projecting your own fears that what you’re expressing is not important?

First, share with her that you’re working on expressing your true feelings out loud and to her.

Second, ask her if she is interested in hearing what you need to say.

Third, if she says YES, then believe that she is truly interested in what you need to say.

Fourth, if she says YES and you share, yet you are getting the feeling that she’s not really into talking it out, express that feeling as well.

Keep expressing to every expression or non-expression, and you’ll get to the root cause of the truth of these communications between the two of you.

Do you get how deep this goes?

Understand also that you cannot force anybody to change. The only person you can change is YOU. You can’t expect change from somebody else just because you might have changed and are growing.

However, your change of expression—and more releasing of what is inside—might inspire her to open up more.

If you begin not feeling safe and that she is not honoring those expressions of feelings, it is perfectly okay to change the “course of action.”

It is taking this “sharing” step by step.

Only by sharing do you realize the truth about her and if she’s truly interested. Sometimes, people think they are ready to hear what you need to say but it brings up something for themselves that has nothing to do with you. It may trigger her into taking a look at herself. It triggers the realization that there needs to be something worked on in this relationship. It triggers for her—and for you—that you’re not completely happy and something needs to change.

At least by expressing yourself openly, you are moving yourself forward with your hearts desires and not staying stuck by the unexpression of those feelings and keeping it bottled up inside – which is emotional clutter.

Good luck with sharing, believe you have lots to share and what you are feeling and thinking is important, valid and worth sharing. Then, believe that your sharing will open up your relationship to greater sharing and intimacy, and a “getting to know each other” on deeper levels.